Monday, July 23, 2012

I won't lie

Some days are really really hard. I'm not talking about the workouts or even the eating. If those were set aside in their own little world, it wouldn't be that hard.  I mean, in a vacuum, those things can be pretty easy and straightforward.  The more you do it, the easier it gets.

But sometimes life is hard.  Sometimes things get really, really hard and food can be a really good comfort.  I know I have spent far too many years using food to ease the pain of real life, but I don't know any other way. I don't drink, I don't use medication-not even headache medicine!  And when life swells up to consume everything, I just want to escape. I don't want to think about being healthy or making good choices, I just want the pain to stop.

Today it was about Sam.  Most of you know by now that Sam is one of my greatest joys and greatest challenges.  He was born almost 7 years ago and nothing about my life has been the same since.  I would never do things different, I would never trade him for a model that fits in the "normal" category, but some days, I get really, really overwhelmed.

Today his fits became worse than they have in the past. They are gradually getting more violent and I'm scared.  What does it mean? How can I stop it?  Will he hurt one of us at some point?  What about my younger kids? What about my older kids?  All these questions get the best of me.

Today was the first time that he has attacked me and he did it twice. It didn't hurt-not physically, but he is still smaller than me.  It was more the fact that he did it, more than anything else.  I've known this was coming-eversince his diagnosis, but I hoped and I prayed that it wouldn't.

Later in the afternoon, we left the kids with Mitchell so that we could go to the library and check out some movies.  We weren't gone for long, but Mitchell called saying that Sam was out of control. He was throwing things and breaking things and he didn't know what to do.  We hurried home as quick as we could and by then, he had calmed and was so sorry.  He just curled up in my lap and kept saying sorry.  It broke my heart. He doesn't mean to be bad, but he can't help it. How do I deal with that? It's not like I can discipline him like I would my other children.  I have no answers and I don't really know where to begin to turn for answers.  It can seem very lonely.

So, I turned to food.  The rest of the day was horrible for snacking and I ate chocolate! I don't think I jeapordized my goals and tomorrow is a new day, but I wanted to blog about the why and the emotions so I can hopefully build on it.  I don't want to use food to feel better. I just wish I knew another way.

On a good note, I did have a good workout this morning! I did the cardio plan for 60 minutes on the treadmill.  Then I cleaned the house for an hour and 10 minutes, all while wearing my heart rate monitor and all while keeping my heart rate in a fat burning zone!  That felt great!

I will get through this! I will face every challenge and overcome it.  I apologize that today's post was a bit of a downer, but I want to put it all down-every success, every failure, every hard emotion that I work through to make it on this journey.


Stefanie said...

For me one of the biggest things is just beginning again, a new day, a new start, instead of feeling I am a failure and eating as though there was no tomorrow. A fresh start, cutting your self slack for a really tough day and beginning again.
I can't imagine what you're going through but your transparency here is an encouragement to me too.

Karen said...

You're right, life is hard, and you need a way to 'escape' from real life on those tough days. Food doesn't have to be your answer, though. Some people use exercise as their oblivion. I go on the internet and leave the real world behind for an hour or so. You know you need a way to escape, so you need to work out what it's going to be - other than food - so that next time that's what you turn to instead. You need to decide now, because at the time it's too hard and you just want to turn to what you know. Good luck!

The Nicks Family said...

First of all please don't apologize for this post! You needed to get the feelings out and express yourself! Second you fell down, and that's okay! Just get back up and start a new day! Love you!!!!

Christie said...

I understand completely. For 10 years now food has been my escape from my reality. My oldest is autistic and we have good days and bad days. It seems Summer is more stressful for him, he needs his routine. Just remember tomorrow is a new day and you have to take it 1 day at a time.

Anonymous said...

I've sent an email to Ramona, but if anyone has a violent child, please read the book "The Explosive Child" by Ross W. Greene. It did wonders with my ASD son, no more episodes where we're on the floor in a cradle hold! Life is much easier without the fear of someone being hurt during a meltdown.


amy! said...

I don't have the answers and I can't pretend to...but I can say...If I was there. I'd give ya a big hug, a shoulder to cry on and I'd eat half your chocolate! It's the least I could do. vent away Ramona..we're here for you and only want to give you support. Big BIG hugs and lots of good vibes for you and your family!